5 tips to help you experience more intimacy

Intimacy is something that most of us would like to have more of! But it can often feel elusive to find.

If you search the internet for guidance on how to get more intimacy you’re likely to find a mixed-bag of think-pieces covering everything from God to sex!

But overthinking intimacy can actually be part of the problem.

If you want more intimacy you need to feel more, and think less.

What does that really mean?

For some people feeling means emotions; for others feeling is more about sensation.

Either way it’s clear that your body is the key to the process of being able to feel. So here are 5 tips for how to approach intimacy in a more embodied way.

1. Sex and intimacy are not necessarily the same thing

Sex is often where we go to try and find intimacy – and it tends to get characterised as the ideal physical, emotional and spiritual union that we should all be striving for.

But even though sex can be a very intimate experience, it doesn’t automatically follow that the two things are the same…

In many long-term relationships, the everyday intimacy can end up leading to sex feeling a bit stuck in a rut, or going through the motions.

Conversely, one night stands (which are often considered to be lacking in intimacy) actually require you to be able to trust your body with someone you don’t know well, which is a pretty intimate thing to do!

Whether you’re with a life-partner, or a hook-up from an app, allowing yourself to feel the vulnerability that comes from sharing yourself is what can really make the difference to whether the experience feels intimate or not.

2. Be more vulnerable – and let yourself be seen

Vulnerability is a crucial part of intimacy. It requires you to bring down any masks, or barriers and let someone see who you really, truly are.

But in order to do that you need to start by being able to see yourself. Inspirational coach Kate Maree O’Brien observes that often:

“We’re not willing to go deeper into ourselves. Instead we sit on the surface, skimming the top layer of who we are, and what gets reflected back is a surface relationship that’s afraid to feel”.

And if you’re afraid to feel you can end up sending mixed messages: A common one is: ‘I want to be intimate with you, but I’ve been hurt before, so don’t come any closer’.

But the same walls you build to keep others out can also keep you stuck inside, so finding ways to lower your walls, and show your vulnerability will help you get closer to intimacy with another person.

3. Learn to communicate

Feeling safe enough to show your vulnerability might sound easier said than done.

But good communication will help you with this.

Communication doesn’t always have to be verbal – learning to understand non-verbal trust signals, such as facial or touch cues, can play an important part in helping you to understand that you’re safe enough to be more vulnerable with someone.

Communication is also more than just being the one to express something. Holding space for someone else to be witnessed – truly hearing and seeing them, without judgement, however they reveal themselves – can be just as important for creating intimacy as being seen or heard yourself.

4. Stay in the present

Rather like great sex, intimacy tends to work best when everyone involved is fully in the moment.

It can be easy to make assumptions based on past experiences. But if your experience in the present is being coloured by previous experiences (especially if those have been negative) it can block, or limit, your ability to create genuine intimate connection, because you’re not seeing what’s really there.

Being in the moment – with whatever is, rather than whatever you assume or project - is crucial to being able to feel. This allows you to access emotions like empathy, understanding and compassion, which are essential to intimacy.

5. Intimacy is not weakness

In a world where winning at all costs is considered important, intimacy often gets dismissed as a sign of weakness, and not something worth bothering with.

But ultimately, as connection coach and entrepreneur Adam Wilder points out, intimacy is:

“the key to being freer, happier and more alive and it could change not only our personal lives, but the political decisions we take as a society.”

That’s huge – and certainly not weak!