How to make your sex more mindful
Mindfulness has become a buzzword in wellbeing circles in recent years.
But did you know you can bring the principles of mindfulness into the bedroom too?
Mindful sex is an approach that can help you feel more pleasure and connection by becoming more present to what you’re experiencing.
Here are some of the key principles, and some simple ideas to help you get started.
Mindful sex – shifting from the mind to the body
In the context of sex the term ‘mindful’ can seem a bit misleading – mindful sex is actually about thinking less, rather than more!
Take a moment to recall the best sex you’ve ever had – do you remember what you were thinking about during it? Probably not – because it’s likely you weren’t thinking about anything, you were simply enjoying the moment!
However, when things aren’t going the way you want in the bedroom that can bring up anxiety, which keeps you in your head, and disconnects you from your body.
Mindful sex isn’t about the outcome
Particularly when anxiety or insecurity is present, many people approach sex with very specific goals in mind: ‘I want to last longer’, ‘I want to achieve penetration’, ‘I want to perform better’. This list of goals is often based on what we think others will expect from us, rather than what we truly want ourselves.
And often it’s these outcomes that are considered the most important thing to focus on during sex.
The trouble is that if you only focus on the outcome itself you may overlook the things which will help you to reach it.
Plus, what if there are other outcomes you hadn’t even considered…?
What if being cuddled actually feels more fulfilling to you than penetration? What if lasting longer means redefining orgasm in your whole body, rather than just trying to delay ejaculation?
The journey is as important as the destination
Mindfulness is about learning to be more present, and one of the best ways to do that is to slow things down.
Slowing down helps you to discover perspectives you might not even notice if you’re rushing through an experience to try and reach a particular goal.
Mindful sex is about learning to re-wire your brain and your body:
When you shift the focus so that what you choose moment to moment, becomes more important than what you do, then your journey becomes just as important as your destination – which means almost anything is possible!
The principles of mindful sex coaching
Some of the key principles of mindful sex and intimacy include:
Presence – noticing yourself in the moment, and being present with what is, rather than what you think ‘ought to be’
Permission – noticing and following your impulses, without shame, and without judgement
Pleasure – noticing what really feels good in your body – which is quite often different from what you think will be enjoyable!
Using body-based practices is also a great way to support these principles – touch, breath, movement and sound are all things your body instinctively knows how to do, and are an integral part of your experience of pleasure.
Try this simple exercise which combines mindfulness with sensation
When it comes to mindful pleasure the key is finding ways to bring the focus from the mind to the body. One way to do this is to become more aware of sensation.
Pick up the nearest random object. Hold it in your hands and look at it for a minute. Your mind will probably name it, perhaps give it a meaning, or a back story.
Now let those thoughts go, close your eyes, and focus your awareness on your hands. Let your hands start to explore the object, with curiosity.
Notice the sensations you experience in your hands – the textures, shapes, weight, even temperature of the object. After a few minutes slow the speed of your touch down by half and see what else you notice.
What do you notice about what feels pleasurable to you about this object?
Continue to explore a while longer with as much curiosity as possible. Don’t just use your fingertips – notice how the object feels on your wrist, or the back of your hand, or even your fingernails!
If your mind starts to wander keep bringing your attention back to the sensation you notice in your skin as it connects with the object.