What’s your relationship with ‘yes’ and ‘no’?

Do you find it challenging to say ‘no’ sometimes?

Especially if we have a tendency to want to please, we can sometimes find ourselves saying ‘yes’ when we really mean ‘no’.

So why is this, and what can you do about it?

There are many different kinds of ‘no’

One of the reasons it can often feel so tricky saying ‘no’ is that many choices we face – no matter whether they’re big or small – are not black or white.

And there isn’t just one kind of ‘no’.

Sometimes your ‘no’ might mean ‘no way, not ever’; other times it might mean ‘not right now, but maybe later’. Or it might even mean ‘I want to say yes, but I don’t feel brave enough’.

That can make it difficult to figure out which kind of ‘no’ you really feel – especially if your ‘no’ is not 100%.

There’s also a lot of pressure to say ‘yes’

Added to the complexity of saying ‘no’, we often face a lot of pressure to say ‘yes’ to things.

Sometimes we put that pressure on ourselves – how many times have you said ‘yes’ to doing too many things because they all sound so appealing, but then ended up over-committed and wishing you’d said ‘no’?

Other times the pressure comes from people around us: a boss pressuring you to agree with them; a friend who tries to guilt-trip you into doing what they want; a relative who tries to make you conform to their expectations.

And we also often face a lot of pressure to say ‘yes’ because of cultural or societal norms.

We’ve all learned to go along with stuff we don’t want

From the minute you were born you had to put up with things you didn’t want – even with the best of intentions from your caregivers stuff was constantly happening to you that you didn’t choose and didn’t really want (even if it was ultimately good for you – like being fed, or washed).

So you learned to go along with things; tolerating, even enduring, became normal.

And when you go along with something what you’re really doing is indicating a kind of default ‘yes’, even if you don’t mean it.

This has become so habitual for most of us that by the time we’re adults we hardly even notice it’s happening.

Which makes it that much harder when we do need to communicate a genuine ‘no’.

Saying ‘no’ is a form of self-care

When you say ‘no’ what you’re doing is standing up for your limits, and prioritising your own wellbeing.

Think of all the times you’ve agreed to too many things, and then felt stressed, resentful, or even burned out as a result.

That’s why learning to recognise and communicate your ‘no’ is a really important starting point when it comes to self-care.

But even more than just saying ‘no’ (or ‘yes’) it’s important to recognise why you’re saying it.

How to build a better relationship with your ‘yes’ and ‘no’

Start by getting clear about who something is for.

In every interaction there’s usually someone who benefits more than the other (even if there’s some benefit to everyone involved).

Try asking yourself these questions, and following these simple steps:

Is this thing primarily for your benefit?

If so, is it something you definitely want?

If it is, say ‘yes’.

If you’re not sure, you might need more information, or more time to think about it before you respond.

If it’s not something you want (even if it’s going to benefit you) say ‘no’.

Or is this thing primarily for someone else’s benefit?

If so, is it something you’re definitely willing to give them?

If it is, say ‘yes’.

If you’re not sure, you might need more information or more time before you answer.

If it’s not something you’re fully willing for, say ‘no’ (you can always change your mind later!)

This approach doesn’t always apply in every situation, but it’s a great way to start to bring some awareness to when and how you say ‘yes’ and ‘no’, so that you can get clearer in your communication about what you do and don’t want.

And once you have more clarity about why you’re saying ‘yes’ or ‘no’ it becomes much easier to know how to say it.