Shame. It’s a word that carries a heavy burden, one that can often feel like an anchor pulling us down into the depths of our own insecurities and fears. As a gay or bisexual man, shame may feel like an unwelcome companion, lingering in the shadows of our consciousness. It’s that inner critic, whispering that we’re somehow "less than," or that we don’t quite belong.

For many of us, shame starts early. It can be rooted in childhood experiences, cultural narratives, or societal messages that tell us our true selves are somehow wrong, inappropriate, or even dangerous. Whether these messages are overt, like the rejection by a loved one, or more subtle, like a joke at our expense or a look of disapproval, the impact is profound. And it often goes unnoticed—hidden beneath layers of coping mechanisms we’ve developed over time.

The Many Faces of Shame

Shame is not a one-size-fits-all emotion. It wears many masks, each affecting us in different ways. Here are a few forms it can take:

1. Body Shame: Growing up in a culture that idolizes certain body types can lead us to feel inadequate if we don’t fit the mold. This feeling is often intensified by the stereotypes within our own communities. Whether it's feeling too skinny, too large, too feminine, or too masculine, body shame can make us feel disconnected from our own skin.

2. Sexual Shame: For gay and bisexual men, sexual shame is particularly insidious. Many of us have been conditioned to view our desires as dirty or inappropriate. We may feel shame around our fantasies, our preferences, or even our very attraction to other men. This can make intimacy feel like a battlefield, where we are constantly fighting an internal war with ourselves.

3. Emotional Shame: Being told to "man up" or "stop being so sensitive" teaches us to suppress our emotions, to see them as signs of weakness rather than authentic expressions of our human experience. This kind of shame can make it difficult to be vulnerable, to truly connect with others, or even to know what we’re feeling at any given moment.

4. Identity Shame: This is the shame that tells us we don’t belong. It makes us question our right to take up space, to love who we love, or to be fully ourselves. It’s the feeling that we’re outsiders, not just in a heteronormative world but sometimes even within our own communities.

How Shame Manifests

Shame doesn’t just live in our heads; it shows up in our behaviors, choices, and relationships. It may manifest as social withdrawal, where we avoid situations that could expose us to judgment. It may show up as perfectionism, where we overcompensate to prove our worth. For some, it manifests as self-sabotage—choosing relationships that reaffirm our deepest insecurities, or avoiding intimacy altogether to prevent vulnerability.

And for many, shame can turn inward, leading to anxiety, depression, or even self-harm. It’s no wonder that studies show higher rates of mental health challenges among gay and bisexual men. When shame becomes internalized, it can feel like there’s no escape from the critical voice that says, "You’re not enough."

Breaking the Silence Around Shame

The good news is that shame doesn’t have to be a life sentence. There are ways to confront, understand, and ultimately release the hold it has over us. Here are some steps that have been helpful to me and many of the men I work with:

1. Name It to Tame It: Shame thrives in silence. One of the first steps to overcoming it is to recognize and name it. Start to notice when you feel shame creeping in. What triggers it? What messages are you telling yourself? By naming it, you begin to diminish its power.

2. Talk About It: Shame loses its grip when shared with someone who understands. Whether it’s a trusted friend, a therapist, or a support group, talking about shame can be incredibly healing. Sharing our stories helps us see that we are not alone and that others have walked the same path.

3. Challenge the Myths: Shame often stems from myths and misconceptions about who we are supposed to be. Start questioning these narratives. Ask yourself where these beliefs come from and whether they truly serve you. Begin to rewrite the script with one that celebrates your uniqueness.

4. Practice Self-Compassion: We often speak to ourselves in ways we would never speak to others. Start practicing self-compassion by treating yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend. This can be as simple as acknowledging that it’s okay to feel shame and that it doesn’t define your worth.

5. Find Your Tribe: Surround yourself with people who lift you up and make you feel seen and accepted. Whether it's joining an LGBTQ+ community group, participating in a retreat, or even finding online spaces where you feel safe, finding your tribe can be a powerful antidote to shame.

Embracing Authenticity

Living authentically is the most radical act of self-love. It’s about accepting ourselves, flaws and all, and recognizing that our worth isn’t determined by societal standards or the opinions of others. It’s about recognizing that we have the right to take up space, to be seen, to be heard, and to be loved exactly as we are.

As gay and bisexual men, our lives are a testament to resilience. We have faced and overcome adversity in so many forms, and yet we continue to stand tall, live loudly, and love fiercely. Shame may have tried to silence us, but our stories, our voices, and our truths are far too powerful to be kept in the shadows.

So let’s continue to talk about shame, to name it, to challenge it, and to heal from it. Let’s continue to create spaces where all of us feel safe, seen, and celebrated. Because when we let go of shame, we open ourselves up to a world of connection, intimacy, and love—a world where we are truly free to be ourselves.

Final Thoughts

Shame can feel like a solitary struggle, but it's a shared experience among many of us. I invite you to take a step towards releasing shame's grip. Start a conversation, seek support, and remember that you are worthy of love, just as you are.

Feel free to share your experiences in the comments below. How has shame affected you? What has helped you heal? Let’s continue this journey together.