The Art of Touch: How to Master the Skill of Touching Others
Touch is the most primal sense, and for that reason, it’s also one of the least understood and most neglected. The art of touching — with intention and skill — can have a profound effect on how others see you as well as how you see yourself. Whether you know it or not, touching has a huge impact on who you are and how other people respond to you. A firm handshake or an appropriate touch on the arm shows confidence and presence; a hesitant reach for someone’s hand makes them feel awkward; a limp-wristed high-five turns them off completely. The right kind of touch can make anyone feel more comfortable in your presence because they will trust you more; an inappropriate touch can make anyone feel creeped out because they won’t trust you so much. Touching someone inappropriately also sends them the message that you don’t respect them — which isn’t good for your friendship or any other relationship.
Why Touching Matters
The art of touching — with intention and skill — can have a profound effect on how others see you as well as how you see yourself. When we touch others in appropriate ways, we show them that we care and that we’re interested in them. When we touch others inappropriately, we show them that we don’t understand their boundaries, that we’re not interested in them as people, or that we don’t care about their feelings. Because we spend so much of our lives in the company of other humans, and because we tend to spend much more time with our own tribe than with people outside of it, the right way to touch can really make a difference. When you know what to do with your hands and arms — when you’re confident and comfortable with your own touch — you’ll find that people like you more, trust you more, feel more comfortable around you, and want to spend more time with you.
Feel Good vs. Feel Bad Touching
There are two basic ways we feel about touch — we either feel good about it or feel bad about it. Bad touch is always bad. It’s not a matter of degrees. It’s not a question of “but it was just a little bit bad touch!” Bad touch is never okay, and we don’t have to tolerate it in any way, shape, or form. Bad touch is touching someone without their consent, without them having invited your touch in any way. Bad touch is touching someone to undermine their boundaries, to coerce them into doing something they don’t want to do. Bad touch is touching someone because you feel entitled to their bodies, because you are trying to manipulate them into doing something they don’t want to do by using your physical presence.
Try This: Make Your Handshake a Springboard
If you want to be a more confident person and you want to show other people that you are comfortable around them, then make your handshake a springboard. The first touch that people feel from you when they meet you is your handshake. They meet you through your touch, through what your hand does when it meets theirs. If you’re insecure, or if you are trying to show people that you are uncomfortable around them, then you’ll probably shake their hand kind of tentatively. You might even give them a limp-wristed high-five. Both of these things — a tentative handshake and a limp-wristed high-five — show that you are not confident in your own skin. Try to make your handshake a springboard. Make it confident and sure, get your hand in there as soon as you can so that you can show that you’re confident in your own skin.
Try This: Tap People You Meet
When you meet people, you might find that you want to reach out and tap them lightly on the arm. You might like to tap your friends on the arm to show that you remember something that they said or did, or that you’re paying attention to them. Tap people you meet lightly on the elbow, not the shoulder. The elbow is a good place to tap people because it’s not directly on their body, and it’s not sexual in any way. If you want to use this gesture, then make sure that you do it with the same confidence that you do everything else — don’t flutter your fingers up and down their body, and don’t look hesitant or begrudging. Make it confident and sure, as if it’s just part of your normal flow.
Try This: Shake, Grip, Bang, Squeeze, and Whip
If you really want to make your handshake a valuable tool that you use to make people feel more comfortable with you and more at ease in your presence, then try to shake, grip, bang, squeeze, and whip. Try to shake with your whole body — you don’t have to shake really vigorously or anything, but you can vibrate in your core a little bit so that you can shake with your whole body. If you don’t shake with your whole body, then you’re only shaking with your arm. And if you don’t use both your arms, then you’re probably shaking with only one arm, which is kind of silly.
Try This: Hold Hands While Talking
If you want to make sure that a conversation is intimate and personal, or if you want to make sure that a conversation is about two people rather than two people and a bunch of other people, then try to hold hands while you talk. Don't hold someone’s hand and then use it to gesture while you’re talking. Either put your hand in your pocket or put your hand on your thigh while you’re talking, and then put it in the other person’s hand while you’re talking — that way you’re holding hands while you’re talking. The person whose hand you’re holding will feel more engaged; they will feel as though they have your full attention. They will feel as though you’re looking at them and that you’re really focused on them.