There has been a steady increase over the past two decades in the use of the Internet for accessing porn. New sites are appearing all the time, perhaps more so now due to the COVID-19 pandemic. For many, porn may be the sole source of sexual activity. 

Advocates of porn want us to believe that acting out our sexual fantasies online is a safe way to have a bit of healthy fun. Since producers of porn are banking on us spending money on their product at some point they can hardly be seen as a non-biased source of information. Porn distorts reality, though that can be said for any movie or novel. However, repeatedly retreating to these fantasy worlds can cause extensive damage to our sex lives, relationships, and emotional health. 

Porn is far from accurate when it comes to what most of us do in the bedroom. All our insecurities, in particular, “measuring up,” get triggered by porn. We may lust after the body or cock we’ll never have, at the same time criticizing ourselves and shaming our bodies. We can view the objects of our lust, men or women we’d love to have, even though we could never imagine them wanting us as a partner. This attitude adds to our lack of interest in actual sex, exercise, proper diet, or addressing our issues of self-esteem. Why bother? We’re getting what we want without all the effort. 

As we continue further into the porn world as a mainstay, we may expect more from our partners than they are physically, sexually, or emotionally capable of providing. During intimacy, one partner might slip into the role of director. Instead of engaging in playful sex, lustful fantasies, or romantic love together, we use the other person. Our partners become no more than a sex toy, just another tool to satisfy our own desires to replicate what we view online. 

Porn can be used to conceal what we don’t like about our partners or about ourselves. When we obtain all our satisfaction from porn it makes it easy to avoid difficult conversations with our partners or ignore personal habits we know aren’t healthy. We become accustomed to living more in the fantasy of our minds than building the life we want. This leads to relationship dissatisfaction, and in extreme cases, to violence. 

Some couples do use porn effectively in their sex lives. Porn can be a substitute to anonymous sex when monogamous partners are apart. Other couples choose to watch porn together, using it as foreplay to their lovemaking and sex play. 

Most men may not stop watching porn all together, but as Oscar Wilde once said, “Everything in moderation, including moderation.” Only you and I, along with our partners – if we’re in a relationship – can decide how much is too much. Being mindful of why and how we use any tool in our sex chest will help us maintain healthy relationships and emotional health.