How to be vulnerable and enrich your relationships

Creating meaningful relationships requires vulnerability. It means being open to others, letting them see you and what you stand for, and trusting that they won’t judge you based on your differences. And though it may seem scary, staying safe and keeping yourself guarded doesn’t help build connections. On the contrary, it prevents real connections from forming. Vulnerable people are willing to put themselves out there even if they risk getting hurt in the process. They know that trusting other people isn’t a one-way street but rather an exchange of trust that can go both ways. But how do you let go of your defenses? How do you become more vulnerable? These tips will get you on the right track:

1. Ask yourself why you’re holding back.

The first thing you need to do is become aware of your own defenses. Being in a state of denial will prevent you from being open to change. Ask yourself why you have these guards up in the first place. What purpose do they serve? Are they really helping you, or are they keeping you from forming meaningful connections with others?

2. Start with small commitments to build trust.

Once you’ve become aware of your defenses, the next step is to start chipping away at them. The best way to do this is to commit to small acts of vulnerability and then following through on them. For example, if you commit to letting your friends see your messy side by keeping half-finished projects on your kitchen table, that’s a small but significant act of vulnerability. These commitments may seem inconsequential but they’re necessary stepping stones to greater levels of vulnerability.

3. Ask for what you want and need.

Instead of assuming that others know what you want or need from them, ask them directly. Being vulnerable in this way involves taking a risk: you could get a no or a “not yet” as a response. What if you aren’t sure how to ask for what you want in a particular situation? Try this exercise: Imagine that you have a genie who will grant you three wishes. What would you ask for? What would be your deepest, most heartfelt desires? Whatever you wish for, write it down and use it as a reference point whenever you’re in a situation where you have to ask for something.

4. Be transparent about your feelings and why you feel the way you do.

If you’re feeling tired and overwhelmed, tell your friends and ask them to support you. If you’re having a bad day and need some time alone, speak up and ask for space. If you’re irritated with someone and can’t articulate why, make an effort to reflect on your feelings and try to understand them. Honesty and openness about your feelings are signs of vulnerability. They show that you’re willing to be held accountable for your actions. You trust your friends enough to be open with them about your emotions and how they’re impacted by their actions.

5. Show, don’t just tell: be vulnerable through action and example, not words only.

Instead of just saying that you trust your friends and want to be vulnerable with them, show them by actually trusting them. Instead of just saying you want to be helpful, show your friends by taking the lead and doing things for them. Words can be easy, but actions and examples take more courage. They show your true colors, letting others see who you really are and what you stand for. They speak louder than words ever could.

6. Make it safe for others to be vulnerable with you.

Once you’ve become a safe space for others to be vulnerable, you can return the favor. Let your friends know that it’s safe to be open with you. Let them know that you won’t judge them or hold their mistakes against them, and that you’re there to support them through their struggles and challenges. If you’ve made it safe for your friends to be vulnerable with you, they may in turn open you up and let you see a more authentic and real version of them.