3 tips for getting better at sex

One of the biggest myths about great sex is that it ‘just happens’.

Sometime around the sexual revolution in the 1960s the idea that sex was sinful got replaced with the idea that sex is natural. But as psychotherapist and sexologist Esther Perel points out:

“It’s not natural. It’s an art, it’s cultivated, it’s learned, it’s an intelligence. It’s a lot of things but it’s not just something you ‘know’”.

So, how can you cultivate better bedroom experiences…?

Step 1: Get prepared

Most people would accept that in order to do any activity well – something sporting or artistic, for example - you need to prepare for it. You get some tuition, learn some skills, perhaps get some appropriate clothes or equipment, and often have a dedicated space in which to do it. In other words: the activity is only going to happen because you put in some effort to set it up and make it happen. But for some reason most of us don’t apply the same rules to sex! We think it should ‘just happen’. And when it doesn’t, we get disappointed, or frustrated.

Step 2: Learn the language

A lot of guys approach gay sex with a focus on the outcome – which tends to be centered around the genitals and orgasm. But sex is like a language. And when you learn a language you don’t start by trying to write a whole novel. You start with the basics – building blocks, and structure. Great sex is built on the physical foundations of breath, touch, sound, and movement. And even though we’re born knowing how to do all these things, most of us don’t actually do them very well. We tend to breathe with just enough air to stay alive; most of us are shy about moving easily, or expressing ourselves with sound – even with words; and touch can feel so fraught with complications that many people are scared of it!

Step 3: Practice makes perfect

It’s one thing to know how to do these things. It’s quite another to know how to use them to have better sex. It takes practice to utilise these amazing tools to their full potential for enhancing sex and arousal states. But practice is not something most people associate with sex. Sexological Bodywork founder Joseph Kramer notes:

 “The primary reason more people don’t explore sustained sexual arousal is that accessing those states requires practice. Many people don’t like to practice – not even sexual practice which can be quite pleasurable”.

Do you notice a tendency in yourself to want to rush things in the bedroom – to ‘get to the good stuff’. Many guys make the mistake of focussing on trying to achieve results as fast as possible, rather than paying attention to the foundations, which are actually the key to creating more enjoyment.

How to build good foundations for better sex

Here are some things you can focus on if you want to improve the sex you’re having:

Slow down – when you slow down you give yourself more chance to notice what feels good (and what doesn’t), and also to feel safer (which is crucial for enjoyment).

Breath – pleasure happens at the interface between arousal and relaxation in your body. And you can change how you feel simply by playing with the strength of your in-breath (which creates more arousal), and your out-breath (which creates more relaxation).

Touch – as well as being essential for wellbeing, touch is actually one of our primary ways of communicating non-verbally. Expand your capacity for touch by bringing more awareness to how sensation feels in your skin, rather than what you’re trying to achieve with your touch.

Movement – moving your body helps increase blood-flow, and distributes oxygen, and sexual energy around your body, including to your genitals. Bringing more movement to your hips and pelvis can be especially helpful as many men can be quite locked in this area.

Sound – communication is always crucial for consent and safety, but non-verbal communication is an equally important way of expressing how you feel. And making moaning, groaning, grunting, even humming sounds can actually help enhance your enjoyment of sensation.

A great way to build up your skills is to combine these into a regular self-pleasure practice – after all: if you don’t know what turns your own body on, how can you expect your sex partners to know?